It's not always "all good" it does in fact "SUCK" sometimes.

A little something more to mull over given my situation. Originally from McMillan Running at: http://mcmillanelite.com/coachsblog.html

Thanks to Coach PS for the post

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that running [triathlon] is not a straight line of improvement and happy times. It has periods that are dark and troubling. But, and here is the message, you have to live through it. It's part of the deal. You have to buckle down and do the things you need to do to get through it. Sometimes that means taking a break and starting over. Sometimes that means focusing more on the non-running [triathlon] activities and sometimes it just means keeping on keeping on. Whatever your situation, just hang in there. We have so many great stories about how athletes come back from adversity. You can do it too."

Part 3: “Why am I slower, it must mean I need to work harder.”

Upon my return home I had surgery and totally disappeared into a black hole. Days would go by without leaving home. I put off friends requests to get involved “nah, I’m good” I would state. I knew I needed to get out to feel the Indian Summer sun’s warmth and go for a walk and my mental state knew that that was the right thing to do, but getting myself to go through the physical motions to enact what my root psyche wanted to accomplish just would/could not happen. My global outlook on life is one of appreciation and thankfulness with the perspective that I am so happy to be doing something every day that has me waking up to pursue it with everything I’ve got such that I’m driven by this happiness to the point of... it clouding my ability to see what each day, and the drudgery that comes with it, brings. I was depressed. Badly. Normal daily functions and activities were a chore. It’s times like these that I reflect upon and know that I need to tap into my network of “family” here in Boulder. It is communal love and friendship that can much more quickly restore your health than you attempting to go it alone.

Throughout December and January I eased back into training. In the back of my mind something was still not right,

“Why are my numbers lower, why am I still getting heavier, why can I not sleep, shit, more hair is falling out. I know! I need to get fitter, let’s go train some more. Yep, that’s the solution.”

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

February becomes March and suddenly the writing on the wall has become too blatant to further ignore. The more I work, the worse things get, the slower I become. I still am able to get up everyday and go out and do the work but it is a terrible chore, my macro view of life and appreciation for all this opportunity is and my desire to simply “go outside” have blinded me to any realization of what is going on. I have some blood work done but even before my consultation we begin to back off. I am asked to wipe away my positive macro view of life and think about how the day-to-day is going. It dawns on me. Things are not good. Forced to really look inside and see what’s been going on is a crushing blow. Even though I was getting up and going out the door each day I wasn’t feeling anything, all my senses were mute, never felt hungry, sleepy or tired. Then the revelation hits and I pause for a moment. Everything hurts. I get home to Colorado and hardly do anything for a week. The “funk” has returned as well. Something is seriously amiss when the sight of the snow capped continental divide, high above the spring green foothills and valleys below, does not elicit an endorphin rush from me.

One of the manifestations of Adrenal Fatigue/Exhaustion is the lack of primal drivers. The concept of listening to one’s body and doing what it asks of you. I don’t feel these any more. My first consultation with the specialist takes place. I’m one very messed up puppy. A second round of tests is ordered but it’s fairly evident we know what is going on. My body is broken, badly. Hormones drive much of the processes that go on in us each and every day. To train any more would only further damage an already long ago destroyed system.

I had discussed, prior to the specialist chat, with my coach and friends/co-workers the prospect of not racing this season. Despite weighing the evidence that we had at the time it still seemed preposterous, but really there was no other action that I logically could have taken to make this better. During the consult I was advised that, “you might want to strongly consider taking the year off so as to take the proper measures to get yourself healthy and operating correctly once again.” Despite this being what one doesn’t want to hear the entire conversation actually ended up being what I DID want to hear. If I had been told, “oh, you’re fine, just go train harder.” I think I would have completely lost it. But to hear that no, I was not in fact crazy and there was a reason for my lack of improvement despite my extremely dedicated efforts was such an enormous RELIEF! A huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. No longer was I burdened with the thought that despite my work ethic perhaps I just sucked.

Given that the second round has yet to come back we can only postulate as to what we believe is going on. It is largely believed that I have a combination of being in a chronically over reached state (largely referred to as chronic fatigue) resulting from my over dedication and over intensity efforts in my training as well as adrenal fatigue/exhaustion. While I know and have spoken with a good number of people who have gotten into the former I have yet to find many that have fallen into the pit of the latter (encompassed within the latter is thyroid, adrenal, testosterone, etc). Symptoms of this mess include, inability to sleep, inability to come out of sleep, weight gain (and mostly muscle at that), hair loss, never feeling hungry, lack of appetite, glucose and insulin regulation and many more. Basically when you train there is a bodily response to that something that is largely hormonally driven. Without the proper call and response of a normally functioning system repair doesn’t happen, there is no rebuilding, there is no advancement. Nothing works.

This isn’t going to fix itself. Simply resting and taking time off may address the over training component but it does not tackle the much, much larger issue of proper hormone regulation.

Part 4.1 where we go from here…

The Pacific and Inland NorthWest : a road trip story

Kind funny the things you find in the draft section of your blog.... :)

From last summer.....

Man, what a rush! Which I guess after nearly a year of feeling mute, off, down, unmotivated, stuck was just what was needed.

I can trace the start of my slow reawakening to my initial west coast "fun" swing back in May. I'll get to more of a sum up of the mental ramifications, a continuation or post #4 of the series from the spring, soon. (edit: find it here)

Presented with the window of opportunity to shove off, see friends and just touch upon the exploration the mountains of the inland and pacific northwest for a full 5 weeks I knew I could not pass it up. When else (in summer time) was I going to have the chance to spend that kind of time ambling about without much of a schedule to adhere to and seeing all that there was to see (just so long as I was online Sunday evenings for schedule distribution!).

It's a pretty crazy loop I made, but once drove the same road (a small section near Bozeman) twice.

Just a few sample pics from the journey...

Edit: given the additional year of required hiatus I've got some more adventures in the works. :)

Deep Fried Triathlete : An over training story (Act II) : How did I get myself into this mess?

How did I get myself into this mess?

The answer to that rather simple question, when viewed through the omniscient lens of hindsight, likely lies in my swim upbringing. Growing up we (swimmers) would perform countless hours in the pool, everyday thrashing ourselves and then coming back for more later in the afternoon or the next day. A work ethic is ground into you at such an early age that rather than it being something that you do; it is something that you become. Countless numbers of youth across the country do this everyday. Up early to swim before school, classes, and then back in the water in the evening. Freaks, straw-heads, chlorine brains, and yet many are also the best students sitting in the class. It is a culture of excellence and anything less than perfection in either arena is to fall short of expectations. Sure this sounds cliché, but unless you’ve lived this life day in and day out for ten or more years you cannot begin to grasp how entrenched in your psyche this behaviour becomes.

Fast forward to my leap into racing triathlon at the professional level (2008). Having been removed from high performance sport by six years of athletic drifter-dom, I needed a kicker and found it with my full and absolute commitment to sport (once again). Prior to turning professional my training was haphazard. Doing what I felt like doing and if I was tired I would rest till I felt good to go again. Simple, right? The results that I wanted (needed?) were going to require far more dedication, pain and commitment than that which I had thus far given. I dove in head first to the training plan doing everything I received exactly as it was dictated, but more than likely at intensity zones one notch above, always. Greedy for more I maxed out every session. Even when I felt bad I still went out and did. Improvement in one’s abilities requires the feeling of death, no?

I got a little faster, and mostly more durable at the longer tests. I lead Ironman Canada for six-and-a-half hours, cracked 4 hours at Longhorn 70.3 and knocked 35min off my Ironman run split from the year before… progress. All good. I continued to bury myself with each session, full and absolute thrashing was the order of business every time I set out on the bike. I had my spate of unfortunate events and crashes. I took the punches and rolled with it.

In May and June of last year I had an absolutely incredible string of training weeks. I also raced 6 times in the span of 6 weeks with the culminating 3 races taking place in a span of seven days, the best of all performances coming in the final event. As July became August and Canada again drew nearer, I was beginning to lose it under the gun of more of the same over-zone training, unfailing dedication to feeling like death every day and knowing that that’s what it took. Wash, rinse, repeat. I also had a new adversary in the form of life events. I needed to move, find a new place, be happy and ready for my brother’s most awesome wedding plus all the family associated with it. The pressure cooker was coming up to steam. IMC came and went. I did not have my best day but did secure a position in Kona. The trip itself was a huge relief given everything I had been though, my travel mates were awesome and I had a great time.

Back home and back on the gas. Kona swim course record and TIMEX bike prime the goal. I fell back into my routine and quickly found myself overwhelmed again, but determined that this was the way it was done.

It should also be noted that in all this time I was continually trying to be that 165 pound athlete that I’d been in Kona 2007 (and in prior years before). Skimp on food on long rides, pass on extras, eat less carbs, salads only for dinner, etc. In the end it was this cocktail of no recovery, constant bodily stress (cortisol demand overload) and excessive training for the conditions that had me primed and ready for the final death knell.

Kona. Ali’i. September 28^th. Motorcycle vs. Bike. I lose. Broken hand. Trauma. Mental and physical overload. This is the type of event that nails the coffin shut on what can be termed an adrenal episode. Your system has become so fragile but is still hanging on by a thread when along comes such an event of this magnitude and destroys everything. You spiral. Everything feels off, a very twighlight zone existence.

Tomorrow… “from then to now” and the diagnosis I have been saddled with.

Are you proud of your home?

http://xtri.com/features_display.aspx?riIDReport=6403&CAT=21&xref=xx

Article up on XTRI this morning...

Text here...

After being away from home for two months I could not contain my excitement as I drove the 1100 miles back from Texas to Boulder just a couple weeks ago. I was giddy with the anticipation of coming in from the east and seeing the high peaks of the Rocky Mountains rise up to greet me just as the sun was setting (getting chills writing this). I have that same feeling every time I come home from any travel and make sure that if it’s a clear day that I make the walk across the sky bridge to the terminal at DIA so that I can soak in the panoramic view of the high country to the west. A deep breath of mile high air and the expression of “I’m home” usually accompanied by an ear-to-ear grin spread across my face.

I have a lot of pride in my home. Prior to moving to Colorado I had never experienced such a strong sense of place. Upon arrival here in the summer of 2006 I can still recall my very first ride and coming over the ridge on US 36 and peering down into Estes Park and across to the high peaks of Rocky Mountain National Park, and despite feeling as though I was breathing through a straw proclaimed that, “This.Was.Home.” Since then my sense of place and pride for my home state has only grown.

When our governor stands with cyclists as an example to other states for riding safety I boast. When statistics are released showing us as the leanest state in the country get published, I grin. When I wake up every morning and look west and see the snow capped Continental Divide in the Indian Peaks Wilderness I can’t wipe the grin off my face. When a Frontier Airlines commercial with the talking tails comes on I can say, “That’s my home state airline!”

But my pride in my home is more than 14,000-foot peaks and a playground that has people utilizing their garages for their kayaking, skiing, hiking, climbing, cycling, running, camping, boarding, snowshoeing, skating equipment. It’s also a pride in the people who are here. The people I get to interact with each and everyday. Whether it’s my co-workers in the professional field of triathlon as we circle endless laps, pound out miles on the beautiful trails or cycle through the farmland and countryside or the folks that I meet out in the backcountry on the way up the trail. The personalities that I come across are just as warm and inviting as the sunshine that beams down upon us so frequently.

I love to share and tell everyone about where I live. I am so thankful for this place and that which I get to pursue here. I am a walking, talking resource on all things Colorado (west of I-25 for that matter). It is a joy when I come across a “counterpart” so to speak from some place else, say New York City. While I do not like big cities, if this messenger is articulate, eloquent and passionate in their conveyance of their love and pride in their home than I can truly appreciate what they are getting at.

When someone asks you where you are from do you blurt out your home, eager to tell the questioner all about it? What makes you proud of where you live?

A taste of what's to come (part 1)

I know that I have been remiss in the maintenance of this journal but over the next few days I've tasked myself in laying out what has been going on and why I will not be racing this year. I'll lay it out as to how this came to be and what has transpired since. Eventually I will lay out what we (my team and I) have in mind for the treatment and next course of action that will allow me to return to the racing scene.

Sorry to everyone that I told that I'd have a post up on this tonight. While quite cathartic, the brain dump that I produced also resulted in about eight pages of incredible detail... and also snooze inducing boredom. So rather we'll go in three or four parts.

Thanks,

MVA