Identity Lost. Identity......

The long journey back begins slowly....

This journal has gone silent for too long. I don't exactly know why i suddenly stopped writing. It really needn't take too much introspection though to find that, starting with the crash in Kona a little over a year ago, the rate of posting has fallen off dramatically. The funk that I slipped into over the winter last year is something I hope to never visit again. While I maintained my appreciation for life and love of the outdoors I lost all initiative and willingness to do anything. I lacked the spirit that I am so known for. An unending and bottomless desire and happiness for life.

I have written here about some of that which I found to be wrong and if you follow along on twitter (@markyv) you'll know that while this forum has remained nearly silent I have not. But I've been dwelling on this a bit more over the last couple of days. Why is it that I have avoided this medium? It offers a much more indepth and richer form of communication then pictures and a few 140 character thoughts. I don't believe to be stuck in that same mode that a year ago found me in. I do, in fact, enjoy writing. But I feel that I cannot produce an entry unless I have some passion behind it. In fact I can't do ANYTHING unless I have a passion behind it. Which brings me to my training....and, by extension, my identity. (and for what it is worth.... I'm committing to blog and make videos MUCH more often than the last 4 months)

Back in May, I had several conversations with Matt Dixon. The most key piece of advice that was passed along was to "lose your identity". "You cannot fully heal till you become someone else for awhile." For the first 6 weeks after realizing that I should not be training, this was quite impossible to wrap my head around. I had no idea what to do. So I lost myself....in mountains. Throughout the summer and autumn I did whatever I felt like, no agenda. However, when it came time to start training again I was confused, perplexed. That's when I realized that I had successfully lost my identity. Now how was I going to get it back?

As the new year rolled in I struggled to get going again. It really wasn't so much the physical (though the physical at times had me taking 2 hour naps after the easiest of 1 hour rides), but rather the mental. I was having to reprogram my thought approach to how my entire day/week transpired! Funny how what used to be status quo from week to week to week was now an immense obstacle. It was as if I'd never done this before. Very slowly though, I've been coming around. Getting back into the groove. Since January I've taken a two week camp to Tucson and just wrapped up a two week camp in Southern California. Going into the Tucson camp I can recall not wanting to go. I was scared. I didn't know how to train anymore, so what was the point. That camp served as a nice kick start reminder to "this is what I do". That said, I also fried myself in the process (NOT what i want to be doing given how i spent the last year) and paid the price my first week back in Colorado. This second camp in Redlands has taken my training enlightenment up another notch still. I did not fry myself, I was smart about running consistency and stayed within myself on the bike. I'm returning home ready to build on it and prepare for the next stage of training.

At this point I'm still "training to train", as any racing is still a long ways off, but while there remain some lingering doubts (and hope to have these quieted or answered within the next few weeks) I'm optimistic about the road ahead.

Identity.....found?