Comeback, Interrupted

I hate speed bumps.

While I may have written hopefully in the past few entries, the reality is that those writings were more of my same global point of view, happy and thankful, rather than a realistic view of the acute task and challenge ahead. At the tail end of my training while in California, it became apparent that I needed to step back from the manner in which I was ramping up my training. My passion for getting back after it was blinding me to the reality of what my body could handle. I was falling back into the same old style of "just doing" and not thinking. For many people such advice is pertinent, for me, with my recent experiences as well as back ground as a swimmer (read: infinite ability to punish, abuse and inflict insane amounts of pain and stress upon one's self) this was/is NOT the track I should be taking.

The particular day in question had been a hard day of training but I was satisfied with the restraint I had shown and the efforts still given. That night I couldn't sleep, the next day my hair started falling out again and I couldn't perceive an appetite or when to eat to stay fueled up. Everything that I'd had in late 2009 and early 2010 was now back.

I'd asked others who had been down this road what a relapse feels like, and how they could tell. At the time I had the thought that being normal and being fried were very close to the same feeling. This likely was due to the fact that I had been living and training for years in a depressed adrenal state. Now it is even more apparent to me that 1) what the juxtaposition between tired and fresh is and 2) I'm still quite a ways away from getting there.

This was all confirmed when I returned to see my Doc earlier this week. I had already preemptively truncated my program down to one ride, one swim and 3-4 short runs a week. The visit was telling. Despite having taken the cortisol tests when I had felt like my days had run a course of "normal".....they were anything but normal. Slightly high in the morning and then very high throughout the day compared to the standard range. As my profile mirrored the average it was referred to as "adapted to stress". To put it another way, I'd grown accustomed to the high levels of cortisol and the overall stressed out state had become a "new normal". Sadly, given the sleep disruptions, etc, it's likely even higher and more askew now. I can only hope that at the end of this healing process that I'll be able to return to what I can only recall last feeling in 2007. Do hard work, get tired. Take a nap/eat food, get energized. The normal ebb and flow of how things should feel. At this point I crave that.

And so here I am again. One year removed from the crushing realization that I was not okay, and desperately needed to take a step back from that which I knew to be my daily routine. While I'm not nearly in the hell that I was in a year ago mentally nor physically I still very much need to take some time away from the training that is required of me to compete at the level that I wish to race at. I have ZERO intentions of ever toeing the start line till I am at a level that far exceeds that which I was at in 2009. Given how over trained I was at the time, as well as vast body of knowledge I've been acquiring, I have a very sound understanding of what I need to do to get myself there. My mind is still chomping at the bit to get after this. I need only the healthy body to allow me to accomplish my tasks.

Perseverance.