The medical synopsis

Seeing as I never got around to that "4th post" about what was going on I figured I might as well do it now. And even now, 12 months later, I'm still in search of a few last answers.

I know that a number of readers have either experienced, are experiencing or are just curious about what's gone on in the last 2 years. In having gone through this, I now know what happens when an athlete that you might hear a little bit about suddently disappears. Well, at least where some of them might go. I've heard countless stories of athletes, both amateur and professional, that when things got tough, and they got slower that the only answer was harder, harder, harder....then you just never heard from them again. The reasons abound. Lost interest, burnt out. Just couldn't do it anymore. Wasn't having fun. Got slower. While they all sound different they are all identifying the same thing. Chronic/adrenal fatigue....or any number of health issues that are associated with or dervied from such a diagnosis. And, from what I've found, that's a very WESTERN diagnosis. i.e. ...they dont really know what's wrong with you and they really dont know how to fix you. As I've an insatiable desire to "know" I don't particularly like it when i run into road blocks, especially when it has to do with my health. Thus I am determined to find out.

I wrote out last April what I was going through and how I arrived at that position. You can see those here and here. I've spent much of the last year simply sitting on the couch or playing in the mountains. Allowing both body and mind to recover. The first thing I had performed was a series of blood panels. The specialist I was seeing was shocked at how out of place many of the metrics were. He suggested full rest and taking a host of supplements. Fearing there was something more going on I sought out a endocrinologist....only to have the doctor I visited suggest that I was imagining my condition (yeah, not kidding). Also suggesting that rest was the only cure. This was about the time that I started giving "conventional medicine/thinking" the bird. Granted this practice was mostly used to seeing diabetics, who had given themselves an insulin roller coaster a few too many times, but what upset me was the quick dismissal and reluctance to dig further. To want to know more. To work with me to solve the problem. I was disgusted with what I felt was a lazy doctor so quick to slot the patient into a hole.

I had also, since the spring, been chatting with Tyler Stewart. As I knew she had been through some ordeals as it pertained to her thyroid. After some back and forth emails and talking at Lake Stevens I signed up to visit her doc in San Francisco. While in time I've found that he's been unable to help he was excellent in working with me and also not taking the objective over the subjective. I came armed with research and we discussed and debated for 2hours at his office. Very engaging. He was my style....alwasy wanting to know why and how. Digging until he knew more.

Fast forward to January and February. While I had been given the okay to proceed with training (really nothing more than, "you're mentally okay, physically alright (not great) so give it a whirl and see what happens") I still had doubts about everything as I started into my training. Something STILL wasn't right. At the quiet persistence of my better half (thank you!!!) I signed up for a visit with one helluvan outta-the-box thinker. An Aryuvedic practice run by an MD endocrinologist from Harvard med.

Okay... I'm listening.

Our initial visit proved quite fruitful and I'm following through on many of her suggestions and recommendations. There's no way I can convey what she said to me Aryuvedically :) ....however her western diagnosis was a disrupted HPA-Axis (hypothalamus, pituitary, adrenal). Basically the feedback loop that exists between these glands that have them working in concert and instructing the body what to do. The H and P for all intents and purposes run the show known as "normal bodily function" (with the thyroid then acting as the accelerator). While we are awaiting the results of some tests and I'll be back at her office in two weeks time for more discussions, she had some hesitations as to whether I was ready for the heavy training again. This reaction has given me pause and seeded some serious doubt and fear. Why do I still feel not quite right, the sleep isn't perfect, the hair re-growth has ceased and the weight isn't exactly flying off. Why why why!?!!! Am I coming back too soon? Need I take more time. I really do not want to play this game again. To lose another season. But if I have to.... I will. In the long run it's what is necessary.

Aside from that (and I admit that'd be a BIG "aside") the training has been going okay. Things are progressing back to where they were in the spring of 2009, but it is infinitely easier to attain what you once had then to power into new territory...and new territory is what I am after. The bike is coming along and the swim as well but the run is just a REAL struggle right now. The extra kilos DO NOT help.

And while much of what has been discussed here are physical ailments they so quickly migrate to becoming mental ailments. Doubts, fears, questions. I do not want to become one of those athletes that you never hear of again. And I think that's where I distance myself. Throughout this entire ordeal the feeling/notion/belief that has stayed so resolute with me has been my relentless perseverance.

There has never been a doubt that I _will_ be back.

Identity Lost. Identity......

The long journey back begins slowly....

This journal has gone silent for too long. I don't exactly know why i suddenly stopped writing. It really needn't take too much introspection though to find that, starting with the crash in Kona a little over a year ago, the rate of posting has fallen off dramatically. The funk that I slipped into over the winter last year is something I hope to never visit again. While I maintained my appreciation for life and love of the outdoors I lost all initiative and willingness to do anything. I lacked the spirit that I am so known for. An unending and bottomless desire and happiness for life.

I have written here about some of that which I found to be wrong and if you follow along on twitter (@markyv) you'll know that while this forum has remained nearly silent I have not. But I've been dwelling on this a bit more over the last couple of days. Why is it that I have avoided this medium? It offers a much more indepth and richer form of communication then pictures and a few 140 character thoughts. I don't believe to be stuck in that same mode that a year ago found me in. I do, in fact, enjoy writing. But I feel that I cannot produce an entry unless I have some passion behind it. In fact I can't do ANYTHING unless I have a passion behind it. Which brings me to my training....and, by extension, my identity. (and for what it is worth.... I'm committing to blog and make videos MUCH more often than the last 4 months)

Back in May, I had several conversations with Matt Dixon. The most key piece of advice that was passed along was to "lose your identity". "You cannot fully heal till you become someone else for awhile." For the first 6 weeks after realizing that I should not be training, this was quite impossible to wrap my head around. I had no idea what to do. So I lost myself....in mountains. Throughout the summer and autumn I did whatever I felt like, no agenda. However, when it came time to start training again I was confused, perplexed. That's when I realized that I had successfully lost my identity. Now how was I going to get it back?

As the new year rolled in I struggled to get going again. It really wasn't so much the physical (though the physical at times had me taking 2 hour naps after the easiest of 1 hour rides), but rather the mental. I was having to reprogram my thought approach to how my entire day/week transpired! Funny how what used to be status quo from week to week to week was now an immense obstacle. It was as if I'd never done this before. Very slowly though, I've been coming around. Getting back into the groove. Since January I've taken a two week camp to Tucson and just wrapped up a two week camp in Southern California. Going into the Tucson camp I can recall not wanting to go. I was scared. I didn't know how to train anymore, so what was the point. That camp served as a nice kick start reminder to "this is what I do". That said, I also fried myself in the process (NOT what i want to be doing given how i spent the last year) and paid the price my first week back in Colorado. This second camp in Redlands has taken my training enlightenment up another notch still. I did not fry myself, I was smart about running consistency and stayed within myself on the bike. I'm returning home ready to build on it and prepare for the next stage of training.

At this point I'm still "training to train", as any racing is still a long ways off, but while there remain some lingering doubts (and hope to have these quieted or answered within the next few weeks) I'm optimistic about the road ahead.

Identity.....found?